I am so ‘UGLY’. I wish I looked like “inserts name”, he’s so cute.
I am so thin (slim), I wish I was fat. Jeez, why is my body bone bone bone. Why can I feel/see my cheekbone, why is my collarbone out, why is my di*k curved is something wrong with it/me.
Those were my inner thoughts growing up.
And then, I’d hear comments like, do you eat? wear your cloth jare, see how you are thin and bone bone everywhere. Don’t let breeze blow you ooo while smiling (like it's a joke).
I usually respond with a smile like nothing is wrong or just remain silent, and usually, I don’t see it as an insult or body shaming or any sort of thing. Probably because I had conditioned myself not to feel that way as a coping mechanism. However, these subtle comments from within and without piled up to lead me into an introverted life (this is a story for another day).
That said, for the past couple of years, I have been doing better, I have learned to embrace all of me. In all honesty, I am a spec, walahi, Iya Seun did an amazing job. I am hanssssssssssss.
Okay, you might want to ask, what changed??
Honestly, the only thing that changed is my ‘mindset’ and ‘renewed concept of self’. For instance, I can’t remember the last time I used ‘negative self-talk’ (e.g. I am not fine), I rarely think about how I look unless of course when I want to admire my handsomeness, like today, after my shoot with King Martins at Pixxel Factory and I saw the images from his camera (unedited) and I am like, omo leleyi, wo bi oshey fineeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
Now that I am thinking about it, ever since I stopped feeling insecure about myself, I get amazing compliments that are in line with my renewed mindset. Also, I allow myself to enjoy and savor the compliment, this is something I just learned how to do, and it's an amazing experience.
I am at every point in time building a rich and positive mental attitude.
Here’s one quote I live by now, “The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company…a church….a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past…we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude…I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you…we are in charge of our attitudes.” ― Charles Swindoll
But why I am even writing this??
So while checking out the pictures at home to select the 6 that will make it to the final cut, in my excitement about how awesome of a job he did, I asked Mr. Wale to check the pictures and I was hyping my guy that he is the best, then Mr Wale came with his unsolicited comment, this guy too is good (someone that takes his own pictures, that I know too). Like bro, how did that enter this conversation, I am talking about my pictures and how King Martins did amazingly great.
Somehow sha, I started to feel bad for some reason I don’t understand, and then it made me remember I used to let what others say get to me.
So what did I do to get off feeling bad?
- I went to YouTube to listen to uplifting/motivational messages from Rev Ike. This has become my ritual now, whenever, I feel bad or feeling the feeling I don’t want, I go off to watch inspirational videos on YouTube and it helps.
- Then, I decided to write to clear my head.
I probably have shared what I think you can do if you still feel insecure about yourself and your body. Just read in between the lines and you will do great, I promise.
